A Traditional Path to Food Writing is Not for Everyone

Stop listening to others more than you listen to yourself

I woke up today, completely exhausted. To be honest, I can’t remember the last time I woke up feeling energized. As I was slowly waking up, it dawned on me that I have been doing nothing but work for 7 weeks. No weekends. No days off.

Henry Fuseli (1741–1825), The Nightmare, 1781

The Nightmare:

I have been stuck for years (decades) doing or actually a better word is performing what I think is expected from me. I keep falling for the same mistake over and over and over again. It’s not only external voices that keep distracting me or pulling me away from my real values and goals, but also my own internal voice that constantly pushes me in the wrong direction. It pressures me into believing those external expectations conditioned into me from childhood instead of my own real values primarily through shame and fear. What others want from me stops me from being me.

Let me give you an example. These past two months, I have gone completely off course. Instead of focusing on my newsletter and making more room for my own interests and rest, I have overextended myself to the point of complete and utter exhaustion. My body has been screaming at me for weeks. Stop. Slow down. Give us a break. We are tired. These calls have been quite loud. But I’m so good at ignoring or shutting off my ability to hear those screams, it’s actually kind of scary to think about how good I am. I have been working for years on setting and respecting my own boundaries and learning to listen to my body and emotions. As you can see I still have a long way to go.

Slowing down has been once again superseded by endless work. The old narrative of if I want to write full time and quit my 9 to 5, I need to work my ass off writing and making content for food media companies, print/digital magazines, and brands. This is what you are suppose to do. This is a traditional path into the world of food writing and cookbook publishing. I have been doing this for two years now. How do I feel? I feel numb. I feel overwhelmed. I feel exploited. I feel exhausted. Worst of all, it feels wrong.

The Retrospect:

Is pitching and writing for food media and traditional publications the only way to become a food writer? It’s not. I know that. So why am I pushing and hurting myself trying to do it all? Once again the first thing to come to mind is what I have been told by editors. You need to get your name out there, you need to build a reputation/platform, and you need a body of work to persuade publishers to work with you. This is just one of endless external expectations that control my actions and influence my decision making. If that’s what editor’s expect, that's what I have to do. Right? So, I’m focusing on trying to get my name out there. I’m focusing on trying to grow my platform. And the whole time I’m doing it, I’m absolutely and utterly miserable.

I have been trying to slowly document and share my journey of trying to become a full time writer on social media sharing the ups and downs of the process, warts and all. Editing and watching those videos, helped me, I think, realize that instead of listening to what editors expect from me, I need to focus on doing it the way that feels right to me, and ultimately do it how I want. I need to take some time and figure out how exactly I can carve out a path for myself to become a full time writer without sacrificing my mental, emotional, and physical health. Daily migraines is not the type of existence I want.

As a low-income first gen neurodivergent human with chronic pain, I know any way I try and approach achieving my goal, it’s going to be harder for me and other folks who share marginalized identities. Penetrating traditional spaces requires an ability to perform in very specific ways, that these systems expect from everyone. I somehow managed to get into these traditional spaces/industries. For example, I applied and somehow got into graduate school with a full ride, I broke into publishing and signed with an agent, I started a cottage bakery and became a part of the Austin food/service industry. I was able to get a sit at the table, but I haven’t been able to stay at the table. Probably because I simply cannot perform in ways that are expected of me in those spaces.

I can’t believe I thought food writing, cookbook publishing, and food media would be any different from any other traditional industry? You are expected to write, speak, perform, and communicate according to specific industry norms and conventions. Just because this industry looks creative from the outside, the way it’s built on the inside is the same old way as any other system or corporation. Just because they deal with more creative things like food and writing, doesn’t mean that it’s going to be any more welcoming to those who don’t fit the industry standard. All systems are designed to allow and retain only those who can uphold the institution, those who mistakenly get it are expelled as quickly as possible.

You want to write for a living and get published? You first need to learn how others want you to write. You need to learn and perfect whatever style or genre is expected of your field. If you want to be a professor, you need to learn how to to do academic writing, if you want to publish recipes, you have to learn recipe rules, you want to right food essay or food history, you have to do in a narrative nonfiction way.

The world of recipe writing relies on style guides. Each publication will have their own style guide. Some publications have very long and detailed style guides such as Serious Eats others like Bon Appétit very short ones, others have something in between like Food52. Food writing, food reporting, and food history all have their own expectations depending on the specific nature of the piece be it op-ed, feature, review, etc. Each publication will also have their own voice, although narrative nonfiction and storytelling seem very popular at the moment. As a writer, you will need to consider the style of whatever you are writing for whomever you are writing. This can be especially difficult for those of us who struggle with strict guidelines and expectations.

The Good:

The best parts of my life the last couple of months include recipe testing for my friend, Anastasia Zolotarev who is working on her first cookbook about the food culture of Belarus through her extensive family recipe collection including many Ukrainian recipes! Recipe testing and development brings me so much joy. It’s an adventure. I get to research and experiment, as well as eat the final product! I was helping Anastasia with her sourdough rye bread recipe which was absolutely divine.

Sourdough Rye Bread

The other highlight was working on my zine! I’m getting so close to being done! I can’t believe how little time I have been able to spend on one of the most important projects I have ever worked on.

So why am I prioritizing writing for others instead of myself? Well let’s explore that for a second. First, there’s such a strong allure to write for established publications. You can say things like, I am a traditionally published writer. I have articles published in online and print magazines. My recipe is in Bon Appétit, etc. You get “real” clips that will probably get you other writing jobs. These things might also catch the attention of editors looking for a new author to sign. All of these beliefs have the power to get such a strong hold over me. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say that these thoughts have a way of pulling me away from focusing on my own work where the “payoff” or even gratification is years away.

It also messes with your sense of certainty or makes you question yourself. You start thinking that it is safer to invest your time/money/and energy into the traditional path of becoming a food writer over the more risky and unknown path of trying something new to achieve that goal. Since I can remember, I wanted to be a published author. Or at least that’s what I think I remember wanting. Where does this desire to be a published author even come from? Is it from my love for books? Well being published is definitely not the only way to express my passion for books. Is it my desire to be heard, express myself, or want to help others? Being a published author is also not the only way to achieve any of those things. I do think that the allure of being published for a magazine guarantees your work will be read by a larger audience. But does it guarantee a more significant impact? No, it does not.

This needs to stop. I need to learn how to focus on what truly matters to me. I need to stop listening to others more than I listen to myself. I need to take the risk and trust myself over others!

I have to admit that the sense of urgency I feel about sharing Ukrainian recipes and Ukrainian food culture also impacts my decision making. I fall into the trap of thinking that I will only help Ukraine if I can publish in big publications. I desperately want to reach as many people as possible. Because I want more and more people to prepare and learn about Ukrainian recipes, dishes, customs, traditions, history, and most importantly people. Do I have to keep pushing myself or feel ashamed of not being able to publish more in traditional forums? No, I do not.

Pascal Dagnan-Bouveret, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons, The Burial of Manon Lescaut

The Guilt:

I’m currently working on a piece for a print magazine that’s incredibly important to me. I feel this deep sense of responsibility to share and bring awareness to the history and the current persecution of Crimean Tatars in Crimea under the now 10 year illegal occupation by Russia.

Is publishing this article in this one publication the only way this story can be told? No. Did it take me a year to get this story accepted by an editor? Yes. Am I afraid of not getting this story published elsewhere? Absolutely. But, once again, is it really the only way to get the story out into the world for it to have a meaningful impact? No.

First of all, I can publish it here. I know I don’t have a larger audience on this platform, but I don’t really need instant gratification. If people find this story over time that’s completely fine with me. Why then do I feel like I am letting myself and others down?

The majority of my published work has been on Ukrainian cuisine and Ukrainian recipes. My goal has been to help preserve, share, and celebrate Ukrainian cultural heritage through food. As well as bringing more awareness to the English speaking world about Ukrainian culture and the culture of Ukraine’s marginalized communities.

It is my small way of preserving Ukrainian food culture and traditions. I vehemently believe that recipes and recipe writing are essential forms of cultural preservation.

I also want to share what really is happening to our culture and people. It boggles my mind that historians years from now will be arguing about the reasons for Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, which can be summarized in one word, neocolonialism.

I want to help create a record that people can read directly from those who lived this reality, not from the historians who get to interpret the lived experiences of others.

Is it incredibly difficult to research and write about Ukraine and its food culture? Yes. I’m still actively grieving and working through my own trauma. The war is not over. Things are not better. People are continuing to die every single day. Ukrainians and Ukrainian land is still occupied by the colonizers.

The Promise:

Okay, I am writing this down one more time.

I AM GOING TO PRIORITIZE MY WORK AND DO IT MY WAY.

My food writing instructor, Ali Francis, helped me realize that there’s real freedom in not relying on writing as your main source of income. Not relying on writing gives you the ability to say no to projects that don’t align with your priorities or values! This was such a helpful re-frame! We so often look and idealize things that we forget the reality of what we are really seeing.

I do rely on food writing to supplement my income, yes, but I could also try to bake more or do more recipe testing/development. Or I can take a pay cut, take the risk, and invest in my Substack, in the hope that I will eventually be making money as a full time writer here or who knows where this will lead.

Some of you might be reading this and thinking that it all sounds a little familiar. Well the truth is, I did it again. I burnout again. I didn’t listen to my body, mind, or soul, and I did not slow down for long enough. I didn’t respect my boundaries. I didn’t listen to my values. Instead, I got distracted and sucked into a world that’s designed to exploit our time and turn us into human capital.

I have to slow down for other reasons as well. We are getting ready to move and I need time to focus on the move. I have been trying to juggle it all in the background but working three jobs and managing a move cross country is a recipe for disaster. I need some time to pack up our kitties, a million books, and honestly, time to figure out how to start a new life.

Our moving plan is still a little vague right now but our goal is to move to Spain in the next year or at least build a life that allows us to live in ideally three places. I dream of a day when I can seamlessly travel between the U.S., Barcelona, and Ukraine!

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BURNT BASQUE CHEESECAKE ZINE:

Here’s a little preview of the zine/ebook! Coming soon! It will have 10 Burnt Basque Cheesecake recipes with tips and tricks making sure you can bake creamiest and dreamiest cheesecake each time. All recipes are gluten-free.

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BURNT BASQUE CHEESECAKE:

Orders through July 31st are now live!