I understand this completely. I've been struck every since I saw something called the "Death Clock," an early internet countdown-to-death timer, as a child in the 1990s. I have nightmares about the apocalypse and "running out of time."
I know some think quotes are trite, but here are some that I repeat as mantra when I have these feelings. Maybe you'll find something in them, too, especially when trying to frame leisure as "productive:"
"There is more to life than increasing its speed." ~Ghandi;
"The price of anything is the amount of life exchanged for it." ~Thoreau;
and on enriching life by relaxing--
"There are some things one can only achieve by a deliberate leap in the opposite direction." ~Kafka.
Good luck with your leisure "goal!" Happy New Year. :)
Thank you, Auxilia! I think and I hope I explained this in the essay, leisure in my family and in most societies is often deemed as a waste of time because it’s perceived as unproductive. For me though, leisure is what I want the most out of life. Being unproductive for me brings me a sense of calm that hasn’t felt as good as any of the things I have actually achieved or produced, with this newsletter being one of the only exceptions.
This essay obviously didn’t address all of the barriers and systemic issues that prevent me and billions of others from having more leisure in their life. Leisure is antithetical to capitalism first and foremost.
Ultimately what I was trying to say is that once all of us who struggle with being stuck in cycles of anxiety and stress experience a sense of calm, it can be our guide to a more calm state or quality of life because we can try to prioritize things that bring us or invite more calm into our lives.
Beautiful essay. There is a season for it all and slowing down to enjoy, observe and create is a sign of faith. It is also a learned experience. I learned it and realized that the QUIET of the moments is when we hear the most valuable sounds, that of the heart and soul. Youth is taught to hurry but age has taught many of us how to respect time as teacher and gift. You will be one of those that will know this.
Honestly, in these last couple of months, it really hit me that all I really want out of this life is moments of calmness and stillness. The thing is, it was always there, I was just constantly being asked to push it down or forced to ignore it so much for other people that I forgot how much it really meant to me. Embracing your true values is like regaining an anchor that has been missing from your entire life.
Very interesting, as often, you express yourself very well and candidly. I am and have been (until recently) the opposite. I've never been concerned with wasting time. It's been my favorite past time. I'm not type A, I'm not a high achiever (but did get through graduate school), I've never really done 'great'. I was so tired of working and being told what to do, even though I loved my career, I retired at age 53. I had save d up enough money to do that, and live extremely frugally. Own a a home with a partner. etc. Ironically I had all these plans to travel all over the world and though my partner of 25 years was all in. But she wasn't. We traveled a bit, and she doesn't like it. Now, she's ill and I'm a caretaker. I'm looking at the rest of my life because it is like you say extremely short, and being in my 60s it's a helluva lot shorter than it was! I'm so stressed now, it's not even funny. I'm like "is this the rest of my life?" Oh dear, I hope not, because there's so much of the world I want to see before I croak. NOW, I'm stressed, like maybe you were (are) about spending your time wisely. .. How did this happen? How did I become 60+ and seeing the entire rest of my life just few short decades away (If I'm lucky)
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your experience, Thomas. I know it wasn’t easy to be this vulnerable. First, I think acknowledging your current role as a caregiver, that’s never easy and often when we are going through something difficult we experience lots of fearful thoughts. So I think recognizing that things are difficult is important. Second, life is short for everyone and none of us honestly know how much time we get here exactly. My sister barely made it to 30. I think for me after that experience I realized that each day is a gift as corny as that may sound. Maybe there are ways you can incorporate more adventure or whatever other values that drive your passion for travel into your life. When I couldn’t travel for years, I went out to new places to eat and went to community events from different ethnic communities in mine or nearby cities. I am so sorry these thoughts and feelings are causing you distress. Try to be curious about them instead of feeling guilty. Definitely stay in touch.
Yes, thanks. I have been trying to find a new universe of wonder from within, started guitar again, baking, and trying to sort through and my hundred or more cook books and purge a few. A few years ago, a good friend of mine never woke, he was in this 30s and had a completely unexpected and sudden brain anerism. Every day is precious!
I understand this completely. I've been struck every since I saw something called the "Death Clock," an early internet countdown-to-death timer, as a child in the 1990s. I have nightmares about the apocalypse and "running out of time."
I know some think quotes are trite, but here are some that I repeat as mantra when I have these feelings. Maybe you'll find something in them, too, especially when trying to frame leisure as "productive:"
"There is more to life than increasing its speed." ~Ghandi;
"The price of anything is the amount of life exchanged for it." ~Thoreau;
and on enriching life by relaxing--
"There are some things one can only achieve by a deliberate leap in the opposite direction." ~Kafka.
Good luck with your leisure "goal!" Happy New Year. :)
Thank you, Auxilia! I think and I hope I explained this in the essay, leisure in my family and in most societies is often deemed as a waste of time because it’s perceived as unproductive. For me though, leisure is what I want the most out of life. Being unproductive for me brings me a sense of calm that hasn’t felt as good as any of the things I have actually achieved or produced, with this newsletter being one of the only exceptions.
This essay obviously didn’t address all of the barriers and systemic issues that prevent me and billions of others from having more leisure in their life. Leisure is antithetical to capitalism first and foremost.
Ultimately what I was trying to say is that once all of us who struggle with being stuck in cycles of anxiety and stress experience a sense of calm, it can be our guide to a more calm state or quality of life because we can try to prioritize things that bring us or invite more calm into our lives.
What you say makes a lot of sense, hard though it is to remember living in the "modern" world. Super insightful; thank you for sharing. :)
Beautiful essay. There is a season for it all and slowing down to enjoy, observe and create is a sign of faith. It is also a learned experience. I learned it and realized that the QUIET of the moments is when we hear the most valuable sounds, that of the heart and soul. Youth is taught to hurry but age has taught many of us how to respect time as teacher and gift. You will be one of those that will know this.
Honestly, in these last couple of months, it really hit me that all I really want out of this life is moments of calmness and stillness. The thing is, it was always there, I was just constantly being asked to push it down or forced to ignore it so much for other people that I forgot how much it really meant to me. Embracing your true values is like regaining an anchor that has been missing from your entire life.
Very interesting, as often, you express yourself very well and candidly. I am and have been (until recently) the opposite. I've never been concerned with wasting time. It's been my favorite past time. I'm not type A, I'm not a high achiever (but did get through graduate school), I've never really done 'great'. I was so tired of working and being told what to do, even though I loved my career, I retired at age 53. I had save d up enough money to do that, and live extremely frugally. Own a a home with a partner. etc. Ironically I had all these plans to travel all over the world and though my partner of 25 years was all in. But she wasn't. We traveled a bit, and she doesn't like it. Now, she's ill and I'm a caretaker. I'm looking at the rest of my life because it is like you say extremely short, and being in my 60s it's a helluva lot shorter than it was! I'm so stressed now, it's not even funny. I'm like "is this the rest of my life?" Oh dear, I hope not, because there's so much of the world I want to see before I croak. NOW, I'm stressed, like maybe you were (are) about spending your time wisely. .. How did this happen? How did I become 60+ and seeing the entire rest of my life just few short decades away (If I'm lucky)
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your experience, Thomas. I know it wasn’t easy to be this vulnerable. First, I think acknowledging your current role as a caregiver, that’s never easy and often when we are going through something difficult we experience lots of fearful thoughts. So I think recognizing that things are difficult is important. Second, life is short for everyone and none of us honestly know how much time we get here exactly. My sister barely made it to 30. I think for me after that experience I realized that each day is a gift as corny as that may sound. Maybe there are ways you can incorporate more adventure or whatever other values that drive your passion for travel into your life. When I couldn’t travel for years, I went out to new places to eat and went to community events from different ethnic communities in mine or nearby cities. I am so sorry these thoughts and feelings are causing you distress. Try to be curious about them instead of feeling guilty. Definitely stay in touch.
Yes, thanks. I have been trying to find a new universe of wonder from within, started guitar again, baking, and trying to sort through and my hundred or more cook books and purge a few. A few years ago, a good friend of mine never woke, he was in this 30s and had a completely unexpected and sudden brain anerism. Every day is precious!